I didn't have a period for more than 2 months. and now that I got it, I've been eating so much and I feel like throwing up all the time. Haven't felt so bad for so long... but it'll be over soon. thank goodness.

all in all it's been a nice week - I arranged to have a room in an artists' atelier startin from October for quite a cheap price and with people I know. I am pretty excited about that, I must say!

except for the fact that I am fat like a pregnant cow.

yesterday's emo/punk themed 30th birthday party for my "brother" (omg, I can't believe he's so old!!!) was awesome. It was weird cause it took place in a rented sauna, which reminded me of middle school and I felt sort of teenagerishy too - drank cider, went in the pool drunk with black make-up dripping from my eyes, walked around wet and in a bikini, made out in a sauna (which was HOT in many ways), but went home alone cause I had to work today. And I feel proud that I declined a chance to get shitty half-ass drunk sex and got a good night's sleep.

but today I feel like I'm in love - it must be the spring, it's so sunny, I want to wear all colorful clothes, enjoy my 80's chic sunglasses, listen to awesome electronic music and dub step, walk around (I walked home from work today cuz in the morning I was too hung-over to ride my bicycle) and jump.

ah... I smell changes in the air.

and now tell me how can I cut down on my drinking, when my favorite cider is on a HUGE sale at the shop next to my house?!

duh!

We know a place where no planes go
We know a place where no ships go

(Hey!) No cars go
(Hey!) No cars go
Where we know

We know a place no space ships go
We know a place where no subs go

That's where I want to be. Pack up a bag and just leave. This place and this life is sort of getting old. I am starting to get bored again.

I haven't stopped drinking since 30th. But there's nothing too fun in being sober anyway, so...

Today was the first real day of Spring for me. Sunshine, spring's jacket, skirt and coffee in the park with girlfriends. Lovely. And today Eliza came back for her extreme trip - in one piece, real and touchable.

And I'm going to be a bride's maid!!! I just couldn't be happier!!! The first wedding I'm going to attend as a grown-up and I'm one of the bride's maids... *dances* Ok, I know it's girly and gay, but... I can't hide the excitement.


And I'm so glad for all these good things happening around me. Makes me forget the crap I've gotten myself into. Helps me sustain the positivy I'm filled with lately. Last 2 months or so, I feel good. I really do. Even though I'm fucked. Big time. But life is great. It really is.

somehow I hate being here so much. I mean, Gauja, the wonderful house which is theoretically my family's house. I came here this afternoon and can't wait to leave first thing tomorrow. This place, I guess, is just too full of depressive puberty memories for me to handle. When I come here, I feel like I'm 14 again... That all these years have meant nothing. That I'm still there.

I hate it here. I could stay here by day, but the nights are unbearable. Will just try to ignore it all, go back to my attic, read Cider house rules and try to fall asleep as fast as I can so that I can wake up and GO HOME.

my first one...

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I'm not an open book. Comment if you want to be added and maybe I will.